WARNING: This is merely an opinion of a mindless writer with too much time and imagination on his hands and does not necessarily represent the true nature of a typical office environment. Please read it with an open mind – it’s meant to inject some humour into your daily procrastination at the office. Also to warn you about the types of walking evil in the office.

 

1. The Introvert

These guys are the best. They’re always the quiet ones in the corner of their office, minding their own business. They don’t indulge too much in an office’s surroundings and politics and are just concerned about being left alone to get the job done. Contrary to the noisemakers and the inconsiderate phone speakers (we all have that one person that always speaks like they’re the only ones in the office), these kinds of characters usually wouldn’t flash more than a smile upon being engaged.

And don’t be silly, these guys aren’t those that will show up to work one day and wipe the office out with a spray of bullets – these things only happen on TV or in America. I’d like to think that the cause for such reserved manners are due to the fact that they prefer not to associate themselves with mindlessness – anti-stupid, not anti-social.

 

2. The Snitch

In other words, or rather in their (the snitch’s) own words, a Prefect. This is by far the scariest character you have to deal with in an office. Whether you are telling him/her about some conflict between peers, or a delay caused by someone that resulted in a chain of catastrophes, tell her the truth! (Or don’t tell her anything at all). Cause this person, will eventually end up telling on you! They’ll tell on anyone! Even if it was about your mom’s smelly fart from last night’s garlic & asparagus combo.

These nosey characters are what some of us call “lalang”, which is a coarse and weedy, extremely hard to get rid of, Malaysian grass. These things literally go where the winds blows their pollen to and they thrive! Such is their versatility that it allows them to play both sides, twisting and manipulating stories to their own benefit. BEWARE I tell you.

 

3. The All-Talk-No-Show

This character…..this character I tell you; where do we even begin. At the beginning I guess, where this self-indulging know-it-all personality may sit well with most, but as time goes by, and datelines aren’t met, that’s when the truth behind this person unravels; when all the promises turn to empty barrels of hopes and dreams and eventually, into a web of deceit.

Whether it’s with web developing, Microsoft Word applications or even claims of knowing how to fry an egg, this is that one person to be around at a time of proclamation (for amusement sake) and stay away from when the shit hits the fan. Why? Simple, you may be blamed for his incompetence. It’s always someone else, never himself.

 

4. Mr. Know-It-All

This is different from that despicable character above; this person is almost always good natured. Until you screw things up for him of course. Why? Cause this person’s a perfectionist – the jack of all trades but not necessarily the master of any. He is one that knows a little of everything, has everything to say about something and one that you do not want to have a clash of opinions with.

Whether it’s in a meeting room or a discussion, this person requires subtlety when providing input – when giving suggestions that may not be parallel to his/hers. Rather than going, “Hey, this approach is better”, try approaching with “Do you think it could be more appropriate if we opt for that method instead?” Oh and of course, don’t forget to flash the most pleasant smile and utilise those lush eye lashes when you blink with absolute grace.

 

5. The Politically Correct

Remember that one time when TV actually aired shows of substance? Remember that sitcom “The Office”? The American version not the British. If you do know what I’m talking about, I salute you for your brilliant choice of programme selection. Although to call it a show of substance is a little far-fetched, those who have followed it would know what I’m talking about – as they exude humour that’s so stupidly ridiculous that it’s actually gut-wrenchingly funny. Alright, grandmother stories aside, do you remember the person that played the character “Toby”? That really nice, sweet and straight guy?

There’s nothing much to rant about this person really but there’s loads to like for sure! This is the one person everyone goes to – to rant, to laugh with, to share your boyfriend problems with, to borrow money even (if you have to). The one person that you don’t mind having around for a cup of coffee with zero conversation and one that you don’t mind getting stuck in hours of traffic with just cause he/she is so pleasantly nice. Everything they say is comforting and neutral and you know you can most certainly trust them with stories of your vasectomy.

Be like “Toby”!